So I hope this next post will really spark up a conversation.
Unfortunately, in 2011 I lost the love of my life of 15 years to cancer. I have yet to even look at another man in that way, let alone date anyone. Yep, that's right! I have not dated or "been with"a man since I lost my husband in 2011. I tell myself it's fine and that I have everything under control and that"if I never fall in love again I will be OK." But because I loved being in loveso much, I know that is not true (but it sounds good right?!). I do have very loving, wonderful friends and family who ask about and encourage in this area of my life, and my children are now even wondering (and at times worrying) about the potential of my romantic future, for which I am grateful. Yet, at times it falls on deaf ears because I truly don't feel like I am missing out on much. BUT, then there are those other times that I do miss the intimacy.
Now let me beclear, when I say intimacy I do not simply or only mean sex (although it is included lbvs!)
I definitely at times miss being close to someone mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually. Though, quite honestly the thought of feeling that with someone else even now, 6 years later... is scary.
As I continue to open myself up to being open to date (I hope that made sense lolz) I am realizing that my biggest fear is falling in love again... Loosing my husband was the absolute hardest, most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life thus far. So.... the thought of giving someone else the capacity to hurt me in that way AGAIN, terrifies the hell out of me! Now we know that my husband did not leave us intentionally, but never the less he is no longer here, and I wake up to that every single day.
I used to believe that "hooking up" with someone would help me move on, but quickly realized that 1.that would not be what is best for our children to see, and 2.It would disrespect the love and honor that we truly shared in our marriage. Although I put on a brave face, this is something I really struggle with daily and would love to hear how others have or have not moved on after the loss of a spouse, partner or significant other; and that loss does not have to be death. Did you try therapy? What was most helpful or beneficial? Do you wish you had waited longer? Do you wish you had not waited so long to try again? Did you truly find love again? Did you re-marry? Was it a good or bad experience? What was that first date/conversation like?
Wow! ...didn't realize I had so many questions lmbo!
As I have discussed in a previous blog post, my children will be leaving home soon and I am still young (36yrs young to be exact) and TRULY fear becoming the lonely woman with cats lolz! So, I am open to all thoughts, emotions, advice and opinions on this subject.